I'm Afraid of Myself
by Corey YoungBlood
Summary: Merlin and Arthur's friendship is jeopardised when her magic is revealed during an attack, which leads to the unfortunate eventuality of the young sorceress banishing herself to get away from the pain of Neglect. Taking refuge with the druids, she has found a way to become THE prophesied Emrys... FemMerlin/Arthur friendship-PreSlash. Please R&R. Thank you :) - ALERT IS UP
1. I know What I've Been Missing

**I'M AFRAID OF MYSELF**

**AN: **Hey everyone! This is just a little one-shot story fic I really wanted to share. Sorry to those people who followed and favourite this fic before. I had to delete it to sort out some things, but it's up again now. Anyway, I got the idea from listening a few songs by Hurts on my IPod, it suddenly hit me how every lyric related to how I saw the magic reveal going in Merlin, so I thought I'd have a crack at it. Bare in mind, like what I wrote before, this is a FemMerlin fic so if you don't like that sort of thing you don't have to continue. The storyline runs along Hurt's songs 'Help', 'Stay' and 'Sunday'. If you want to put the songs on in the background to 'help' with the imagery, please do. I sure did :) Anyway, enjoy!

BTW Disclaiming Merlin, obviously! It belongs to the BBC. This fic was originally a song fic medley but I unfortunately had to delete the actual lyrics out of it. Don't worry, I was NOT at all taking credit for them. Other writers have put lyrics in their song fics but I was the one that keeps getting told off. However if you look carefully (and know all three songs well enough), some modified lines may be hidden away ;) Furthermore I apologise in advance if there are any spelling or grammatical errors. This first chapter relates to the first verse of the song :)

**...~~IAOM~~...**

(Arthur's POV)

We were running.

Harder and faster than I could ever remember.

It was the two of us against hundreds of enemy soldiers only a hundred yards behind.

Or at least I hoped they were that far away, We were sprinting through the thick forests, dodging trees and leaping over roots, the only way of determining they were there was a faint war cry and the thundering sound of many many feet, or was that my heart in my mouth...

If it was me on my own I would have run a lot faster, but Merlin was behind me, dressed in her boy clothes, hunting bags and weapons long since dumped to get away faster. She obviously wouldn't be able to keep up otherwise.

We had got separated from the rest of my own men, of course we did. Now the soldiers were targeting us, that was hardly fair! Well, I was the prince.

The air had gotten thicker by now, a disorientating fog had settled around us, and the gaps between trees were getting smaller.

I began wondering if Merlin was even behind me anymore, but was temporarily reassured as I heard her breathlessly yell out my name, as I glanced back she was waving at me to follow her to the right. I quickly looked to see if the army were in sight and started running again. As I caught up with my servant, she grabbed my hand and led me the way in and out of the trees.

This trick she'd learnt from me. As a huntsman, if the dangerous animal you were hunting turned on you, you were to zig zag through the forest so the creature could not follow an obvious path. It may just work for enemy soldiers too. But it didn't.

Eventually the canopy above us opened up and we emerged out of the darkness into a large clearing where streams of evening sunlight were able to reach.

We still had to get out though. This was sitting duck territory.

Making a break for it, Merlin and I ran through the middle of the clearing. We had to get back into the dark tree line to find somewhere safer to hide whether we liked it or not.

However, shooting through the leaves with a whistle, was an arrow. It hit me straight in the left shoulder from behind. Dear god, it was painful! The force of it caused me to fall forward, and I caught Merlin's leg on the way down. Had she not stumbled, another arrow sent our way might've got her in the head.

I believe I was still conscious lying there on the ground face down, but was in too much pain to struggle to get up. I couldn't even string two words together telling Merlin to run and to leave me. Even when I felt the stubborn idiot try to lift me up under my arms, turn me over and drag me the rest of the way out, I knew there wasn't enough time and she wasn't strong at all.

**...~~IAOM~~...**

I froze.

Merlin stood facing away from me a few feet away with her arm outstretched. But I knew it was her causing this.

An overwhelming storm, bigger than any I've seen before, had gathering over us. It was hammering it down with rain. The black clouds overhead blocked out the light, like it had become night time in a few seconds. The thunder was deafening, and through my concussion, I could see blurred shapes disappearing in a bright flash of white across my vision. Lightning bolts one right after the other were striking hundreds of the men down as they tried to charge across the grass toward us with their weapons raised. More and more behind them started to realise the stupidity of it and retreated back the way they came. But through the trees, lightning struck where they would be, they were not spared.

All this was happening out the corner of my eye, but I couldn't draw my stare away from the girl in front of me. The strange words I heard her mumble, this horrific storm that appeared out of nowhere afterwards...

The storm subsided in the background, but inside my head I battled all the many emotions building up. Surely not. Surely Merlin was just standing there trying to guard me, and there was a sorcerer hiding somewhere in the trees causing all of this...

As looked around I noticed everything had stopped, it was still dark as night, but the rain was thinning and the lighting had stopped completely. Surrounding us were bodies, even some piles of what used to be people, now disintegrated into dust.

Merlin lowered her arm down to her side, and slowly turned her body round to me. Her head was down, and her drenched golden hair hid part of her face. My hope from before was fading that this was someone else's doing.

I could see her body slightly trembling, probably from the cold rain, but it wasn't that, I knew it.

Finally my maidservant, friend, lifted her head and she looked at me. Her eyes! They were glowing, no, that wasn't the word... It was like they were windows to the fiery soul that possessed this unsuspecting, innocent looking shell. In the darkness, nothing stood out more.

Looking into them, it was like they showed _everything_! Truth and lies. Suffering and healing. Success and failure. Captivity and Freedom. All that was, all that is, and all that will or could ever be...

Out of everything, this was the scariest thing I'd ever witnessed.

And this was _Merlin_!

She walked over to me agonisingly slowly, and knelt down on my right. I was shocked into reality as she rested a hand gently on my uninjured shoulder, and when I jolted, the pain of my wounded one stabbed me all over again. I cried out and my right arm instinctively reached out to grab something, which was Merlin's forearm. She placed her hand over my gloved one that rested there to steady me, and as the pain went a little, my focus went back to her. The gold in her eyes was gone now and the vivid blue was back, though had a shine as they tried and failed to conceal tears.

Eventually words came to me. "You're not-" I swallowed, "You can't be..."

Merlin closed her eyes tightly shut and shook her head, before looking back at me, a tear broke free and trailed her already wet cheek.

"I- I _am_ a sorceress," she choked out. The air went cold and my heart stopped. "I have magic."

**...~~IAOM~~...**

We fought. And it was awful. Our words washing over eachother like the cold rainwater. Names were exchanged, and admittedly on my part, not very nice ones.

That's all I can really say. It all happened so quickly, I felt so betrayed and confused, and consumed with anger. Merlin I could only guess felt the same and yet the opposite.

She was trying to explain, but explain what!? This was questioning _everything _I had ever known.

That we had known eachother for years now, that I trusted her more than anyone, that she was my best friend, that we _kissed_ once... and yet she was this... this completely different person all of a sudden. A stranger.

Was she out to get me all this time? Was she just earning my trust, to some day kill me? If so, why did she just kill all those men... my servant, who was once a friend, sweet innocent clumsy girl who liked to dress in breeches and go on hunts only to trip up or cough to scare game away... a _killer_? A magic user?

Some time later, I couldn't take it. She was to come back to Camelot with me where I would decide her fate properly. The journey back was deafeningly silent, and slow. Merlin said she should bandage up my shoulder after the arrow was pulled out, but I ignored her. After a while she stopped insisting. I let my hand go to the hilt of my sword every time I could hear the girl slow down behind me, in case she tried to run. But she didn't.

I was so glad for the rainfall. It disguised my tears perfectly.

**...~~IAOM~~...**

**AN: **Hope you liked it. I know it had elements of the 'Crystal Cave' and 'The Diamond of the Day', didn't it? There will be another part covering what Arthur did next, again relating to the same song. Thank you for reading, please review and I'll see you later ;)


	2. I Found What I Was Missing

**I'M AFRAID OF MYSELF**

**AN: **Hey everyone. Sorry its a little later than I'd like. Mad house round here, I tell ya! Anyway, hope its been worth the wait. Like I said before, if you're a Hurts fan, some sentences may seem familiar to you ;) Enjoy! BTW sorry for any spelling mistakes, its been proofread to none end *nervous laughter*...

**...~~IAOM~~...**

(Merlin's POV)

I can't stand this.

I thought at first it was a blessing that Arthur had decided not to tell his father about me or have me executed, or even banished on pain of death.

Instead this was much worse.

Never letting me out of his sight except for relieving me from my duties at the end of the day, but reminded every night that if I ran, he would break his word. Not for one moment allowing me to explain myself and my side of the story, how I couldn't help the way I was, that I never betrayed him. The cold looks he'd give me. No banter, no jokes, I couldn't afford to even call him a prat under my breath.

I had sleepless nights. I was just so scared that if I woke to a new day, it would be the day Arthur's ordered it to be my last. That I'd be roughly awakened by guards pulling me out of bed and towards the pyre. I had become afraid of my own friend. It was like walking on broken glass every day... I'm so tired of being afraid.

I wouldn't even be doing anything half the day. Once I had finished my chores, Arthur would have me spend my spare time by his side. That was usually how it was anyway. But worse like this. It wasn't like he wanted me there, to converse with or keep him company, or in case he needed me. It was the fact he no longer trusted me out of his sight not to turn round and stab him in the back or destroy Camelot, and that hurt the most. He'd sit in the council room when all the advisors had gone, and it would be just him and me. He'd go over his maps and reports, and I'd stand there leaning against a pillar somewhere in the room, in his line of sight, staring into space. The only sound disturbing the awful silence was the ruffling of paper and scratching of the quill. Out the corner of my eye, I occasionally caught him glancing at me for a second before looking back down.

I miss how things were. Thinking about it only caused pain to shoot through my chest. I wouldn't let Arthur see but I'd turn my head slightly away to let a stubborn tear run down my cheek. I'd let it fall, wiping it away would only bring attention to myself. Any hand gestures or sudden movement earned the most unpleasant glare from my master.

I sometimes surprised myself that my tears hadn't washed me away yet. If I cried any more, I swore I would become dust. I couldn't care less.

Only when I was finally free at night to return to my chambers would I get out of my dress, release my hair from its loose ponytail, change into my night shirt and sit on the bed for hours just staring at nothing and feeling the dam burst. It was early hours before I cried myself into exhaustion.

**...~~IAOM~~...**

Months passed.

Arthur and I were eventually alright. A lot happened in that time.

I had been forbidden to use my magic. But being magic itself, kept from being what I am out of fear or being burnt alive was a massive strain on my body.

That, not eating or sleeping well did nothing good for my illness and I eventually collapsed.

I guess it did something to Arthur because when I woke up in bed, it was almost a week later, and he was sat beside me. His manner had relented, he was softer but nowhere near merciful.

He didn't want me to go, but he still didn't treat me differently after that. Mordred went with me into the forests every now and then to vent my magic, before it had to be stored inside again. But it still hurt.

I couldn't take it any longer. And so entered the prince's chambers one day with a packed bag and a cloak on my shoulders. He turned from where he gazed out the window and looked at me in confusion.

The conversation went along the lines of Arthur telling me I had to stay, because he hadn't exactly banished me. But I replied I was simply doing the job for him. Since he hadn't officially outed me, there was nothing keeping me confined to Camelot. I had to go for myself too. I had become ill, tired and in every way drained. And I was losing sight of who I was. I had to find myself again. He didn't stop me, he let me go hesitantly, but with good wishes. It wasn't the way I wanted us to part. It was too awkward.

I turned to go but he called out to me. When I heard him say my name, it suddenly became harder to walk out the door. That was hardly fair. If it was at any other moment in time I would have keeled. But I was so desperate for the dream of time on my own, I shook my head, clearing my mind of thoughts of his face if I saw it, and whispered the words I thought I'd never have to. _Goodbye Arthur_.

I mounted my horse, crossed the courtyard, and there I felt his eyes on me until I passed the gate. They felt sad.

I left as Merlin.

Little did I know at the time, that months later...

I would return as Emrys.

**...~~IAOM~~...**

(Arthur's POV)

You always saved me.

You always kept me from harm regardless of your own safety. I get it now. I had time to think. I talked to Gaius, and Collin. About the many things that you had done for me or because of me, without my knowledge. Clearly there was loss.

And apparently there were still countless more missing chapters to add to the story of you. But Gaius told me it was best if they waited until you came back... _If_ you do come back. It's been months. Please come home.

I want you here, where I dearly hope you will listen to what I have to say. I admit I cannot guarantee anything will change. After all, I'm still very confused. Confused about how you can be who you are. How being how you are... or how you have appeared all this time, you have still managed to allude everyone in this kingdom and to other kingdom's leaders too. I understand why, I just wish you didn't have to keep it from me of all people. It's not my fault that what you are is a crime here, but honestly...

I don't how to make your life easier, magic is and still will be outlawed. Whether I remain regent or not.

All I can offer, nay promise, is that you will always have sanctuary in my chambers. With Gaius and with me, we'll be your little corners of comfort in this world.

Please just promise me in return, that you'll return, and you'll return... yourself.

**...~~IAOM~~...**

This may sound strange, and I hope you won't think this egoistical of me when I eventually tell you this in person. But I hope you return to your duties when you arrive. Not just being my servant, but being, as Gaius put it, my destiny.

It still sounds foreign to me.

I have gathered it has been a challenging job. However now that I know your secret, maybe it will become a little easier to achieve.

Besides... it kind of feels right. You, Merlin. My _protector_. You not only keep me safe. You make me _feel_ safe. Just by being there. I even dare to admit... With you gone, I know what I'm missing, I'm missing you. The girl who made council meetings not so boring by being there out the corner of my eye, pulling faces to mimic the person who is yapping everyone's ears off.

When I had rows with my father, you were there to serve me my favourite meal and just stand there while I probably bored you to death with my troubles well into the late hours of the night. And when father got ill... well, you were there to sit with me by the fire, a comforting hand on my shoulder, as again I talked, but those times about the nice memories I had with the king before Morgana ruined his mind. Then I'd lean into your arms as I could feel myself dosing off. As I felt myself slipping away, the last thing I'd feel would be your fingers brushing my hair back. I didn't attempt to move. You were comfortable.

All those times I thought you were ignoring your chores and avoiding matters at court by going down the tavern with our good drunkard friend Gwaine, you were struggling with dangers just to make it easier for me to handle. To think! I thought that credit was mine!

But out of everything there is to say, I have tried to choose the right words and the right time. I wouldn't admit this, ever, but I need you to know how I feel. I tried to tell you this before you left, but I could see that nothing would have made you stay. I need you.

That kiss we shared... once. Just once. I know it was probably shrugged off as some spur-of-the-moment thing, ended before it was even registered or discussed any further. The excitement of the occasion, you probably thought I'd had a few drinks, and/or it was meant to be the cheek, instead in the corner of your lips. I don't know. But just so you know, it wasn't forgotten. It was unexpected, yes. But looking back now, it _did_ mean something. To me at least.

But here I stand, alone in my chambers. No one to talk to, the other servants don't wait around to chat. I dare to admit, when you made casual conversation about everything and nothing, it broke up the day, gave me something to look forward to. Even if it meant half of your chores remained unfinished. Because before you came, all those years ago, I had no one to talk to, or turn to with a problem that would be returned in a two-way discussion. Now I love it. I love being argued with, and you're the only one who dared. Now I'm stuck with the likes of George and bloody yes-men. You see what you've done, Merlin? You've ruined servants for me!

This, what I feel for you, is starting to seem more real with every day passing I don't see you, or knowing where you are or what you're doing. Gwaine keeps me informed on your well-being, but of course hopefully you don't know that. I only hope you have an inkling about how it felt for me to let you walk out that door. Please change your mind and come back. Come back where you belong. You're _mine_.

I can't think about what I want to say to you for long. You need to be here to listen, before I forget it all, or before my prattish pride gets the better of me and decide against explaining anything to you at all.

I keep thinking, if you don't walk through those gates today or tomorrow, I'll go myself. But I'm still here.

We're still young, we can still have those good times again. I know you need me as well. I'm stood at the window you saw me last. The look is the same. Only there's no rain this time to hide the te-

I mean... there's something in my eye...

**...~~IAOM~~...**

**AN: **Thanks for reading. Please leave a little review on exit if you would. Really appreciate it :) See ya soon!


	3. I can Feel the Darkness Coming

**I'M AFRAID OF MYSELF**

**AN: **Hey everybody, I'm back with another update. Again, Hurts songs are mixed in somewhere. This chapter had gotten a little bit more descriptive, I was on a role haha. Anyhoo, hope you enjoy :) BTW, apologies for any mistakes.

**...~~IAOM~~...**

Merlin never strayed too far from her prince. After all, despite the rift in their relationship, she still had a destiny that would not let her mind rest.

Gwaine had volunteered to go with her for a little while, of course he was still a knight. Be that as it may, he had been suspended and had to go back to service at some point. But not before making sure his friend had settled... wherever that was. Which to Merlin sort of defeated the purpose of her leaving because she had to keep her magic hidden. But she humoured him since he really wanted to see what taverns there were left in the kingdom he hadn't built a reputation in yet.

The two visited Ealdor for a little bit. It was very rare, especially recently that she had got time to see her mother. And it was funny watching Gwaine try to sweet talk the ladies there, most of them were either too old or young for him, or married...

After the former maidservant found out Gwaine have been sending messages back the Camelot to keep Arthur informed, she was definitely done with it all. She argued with the knight, well, she did most of the yelling. He stood there and tried reasoning with her, but she seemed too tired and frustrated to listen. Apparently Arthur didn't even need to physically be there to cause her stress. The trip away from Camelot could only work if she went on alone.

The sorceress allowed Gwaine to camp with her in the forest for the night, but after a grateful goodbye at first light, they separated. Gwaine rode back to Camelot, Merlin travelled onward.

From then on, it was all peaceful walks with her horse Rhiannon through the glade, creating little blue butterflies with her magic as she went. The further on she went, the freer she felt, but she also knew the further away from the city she was, the more vulnerable everyone she cared about became.

**...~~IAOM~~...**

Over the months, unbeknownst to Arthur and Merlin, they actually had a few close run-ins with eachother.

Merlin came across a druid camp. In fact the same one she usually met with, including Iseldir, the druid elder. A man with no obvious age despite his silver hair, a questionable personality and vague expression. A man so mysterious, even staying with his group for months gave very little insight into his person. He was kind, he was intriguing, but it gave her no pleasure being treated like delicate and breakable glass around him. She was not royalty.

With him teaching her individually, Merlin learnt various ways of expressing magic, as well as feeling comfortable storing it away if needs must. And back in Camelot, it definitely was a _must_.

**...~~IAOM~~...**

(Merlin's POV)

I never realised how many cracks had begun to show when I was home. Here, especially in the evenings, while sat round the fire with my new friends, I'd notice how sated I felt. It was wonderful. Like I never had to look over my shoulder when Sadon made the rising embers take different shapes to entertain the group while we ate. Or never feeling a shiver of tension run down my spine when I observed Cristie place her hand gently over the back of her son's to heal a cut he obtained while playing.

The lessons were interesting, they were almost not even lessons at all. It wasn't a hour of sitting down and having Iseldir teach me something new every day. It was subtle, I didn't even know I'd leant something until I used it myself. It was so natural to do. And it wasn't just Iseldir who helped, everyone did.

There were times it was strange to think that these people had to teach _me_ magic. I was their prophesised leader.

They treated me like their queen mostly. Addressing me as 'my Lady' or 'Emrys' even when I asked on a number of occasions not to. They bowed in my presence, they were awed by my opinion on the world, as if they weren't already living in it...

Of course, it was a road taken in both directions. They were there helping me, keeping me safe and sane, I was slowly turning into the person I was always talked up to be. And I helped out too. I told them stories, I looked after the children, I lent a hand here and there with chores. Yes, manually. We weren't totally dependant on our powers. And mostly importantly, we kept to ourselves.

Living in the forests is what these people would have done anyway without the ban on magic, or the great purge, said to have driven them out here. It was their choice of lifestyle, feeling closer to the earth and their magical bonds.

I still could not shake this notion away that though I was living amongst the druids, using magic everyday, mind clear, that it still felt... wrong. Like while here, I was forgetting it was simply a sort of holiday. And I'd catch myself remembering I had a very real and stressful job to head back to eventually. The great _Emrys_ was still not ready to return. She was hidden, I couldn't find her. Yes, I had found my love for magic again, and learnt new little tricks to sustain my job in a life of servitude to the future king. But I needed to be more than that. More than little Merlin with magic she'd have to hide again.

I needed to awaken my full potential. The druids talked about it with me, and told me there was a way of getting the magic back I had repressed all these years. The power I would have already harnessed if my life had taken a different path away from the suffocating Kingdom of sorcerer-killing rulers. I would be able to keep this power, all of it, and still be able to contain it with as little discomfort as possible. Merlin would still exist, but Emrys, whatever she is like, would be more dominant...

The only thing was, the procedure was nothing _but_ discomfort. Weeks at most of unimaginable pain. The elders had never endured it, but described it in the only way I could fathom: 'that magic is my blood, a part of me, my way to survive. And the blood needs to boil to bring what's hidden deep down to the surface.'

This revelation terrified me, but in order to get a grasp on this devil destiny I needed to be the best. Even if I had to change a little.

I hadn't intended to stay long, but I discovered months ago, this was where I needed to be. With people like myself, who could deal with my emotions and help my magic and body strengthen. And this was the key I had been searching for.

The key to Emrys.

**...~~IAOM~~...**

(Normal POV)

The druid people weren't fooling me. The ritual was agonising. The worst pain the young sorceress had ever felt. In the few days leading up to it, Merlin's health had plummeted, and she had to keep taking her tonics just to have the energy to walk. Her body, though young, felt decades old. She had dark circles under her eyes, and her skin was now paler, if that was even possible. The last few weeks she had felt like death, and at brief moments she came so close to wanting to give up entirely.

Merlin hadn't just left Camelot to get away from her isolating life there or to be able to use her powers again. But she also was on a personal mission to travel to different places, trying new methods and experimental procedures to treat her illness. Before now, she could keep it at bay with Gaius' tonics, and just battle through the symptoms that medicine couldn't conceal.

But lately the sickness had been winning, and the druids were helping best they could. However they explained that the same thing the warlock was willing to do to bind her magic to the earth, there was a small chance it would improve her health.

But even if it only marginally reduced the symptoms, it would have done its job. She just didn't want to feel sick. The date of Emrys' arrival had to be moved up.

(Merlin's POV)

We were inside the crystal cave. I lay on a stone table that had been draped in furs. Staring up at the ceiling, I could hear the handful of druids that came with me shuffling around. Joseph must have been painting symbols of the ground. A couple of them held torches, but there was already a beautiful bluish glow to the place given from the moonlight reflected off the crystals. Iseldir was the closest to me. I was scared... terrified.

Of the pain that would follow. Of the spell not even working. Of what I'll be like afterwards. Would I change too much?

Would I remain my old self, or someone I'd hate? Was it true what they said? Would too much magic corrupt me...?

These were questions I hadn't even asked anyone because I knew they were not sure themselves. Like many things, these people had only gotten their knowledge from stories passed down, and ancient prophesies. Clearly no-one would look at me and see their _saviour_.

I saw Iseldir's unreadable face at the edge of my vision. He leaned over to ask if I was ready. I didn't dare speak or look at him dead in the eye so I simply gave two quick nods. I only had to use my imagination to know the druids had pulled their hoods up. I myself was wearing a comfortable earthy coloured dress and thick green winter cloak they had given me. The children had woven little white flowers into my long hair before we departed. Did I really need to look presentable to be put through hell?

Only a few seconds in, I could feel it, and immediately I wanted it to stop. Iseldir began chanting a prayer in the language of the old religion. But I tried to push through the fear. This was all for the greater good.

**...~~IAOM~~...**

(Normal POV)

She no longer knew where she was. She had lost all sense of the world around her. It was hard to tell if the room was really spinning or she was. Had this pain only lasted a few seconds so far... or hours? She could hear deafening, blood-curdling screams she didn't think were possible for a person to make. She knew it was her screaming, however she felt like a third person hearing them submerged in water. _Like_ an out-of-body experience, but the agony was there to remind her it wasn't. She could've killed for an out-of-body experience right now!

Her blood was boiling, burning her from the inside out. The heat felt so intense inside her head, Merlin could not open her eyes even if she wanted to.

And what made it worse was that it _was_ changing her. She could see them, oh so dark thoughts, rising to the surface, tingling at her fingertips. Every moment in her life flashed before her, all the times she wanted to save someone but couldn't, all the lives lost to the cause. All the times she was left rejected or neglected, and disregarded by the people she only wanted to except her. All the times the young sorceress just wanted to march right up to Uther's stupid face and yell herself hoarse at his behaviour towards her kind. The moments she could have done nothing and let him die. All the times she kicked herself for actually making events happen because she missed her chance, like confiding in Morgana when she was terrified of her own dreams. Letting Mordred go. Not saving Will. The times she felt so angry she wanted to blast Arthur into a wall or just _really_ wanted to kill someone...

No! This wasn't her! All the people she killed? She _had_ to kill! She never wanted to get the taste for it. She would never want to harm her friends with her powers!

Did Emrys want this life?! Merlin certainly didn't. But now there was no turning back. Her head was close to exploding.

(Merlin's POV)

I can feel the darkness coming. I don't want this pain to stop on second thoughts. 'Course when it does, I won't want to be alive. Someone kill me, I'm afraid of what I'll become.

I'm afraid of myself.

**...~~IAOM~~...**

**AN: **Hope you enjoyed it. Any questions, constructive criticism and/or reviews are much appreciated please and thank you. BTW, I think next time I'll be adding a little of Skylar Grey's 'Coming Home' into the mix. Guess what next chapter will be about haha. Thanks very much and see ya next time ;)


	4. I Just Need Some Help

**I'M AFRAID OF MYSELF**

**AN: **Hey everyone, SO sorry it took so long. Have been trying to neaten up a lot of stuff and then other personal things got in the way. I wanted this chapter to be as long and as descriptive as possible. Hope it was worth the wait. Enjoy :) BTW - Sorry if there were any spelling of grammatical errors. Hopefully shouldn't be, I read through it 5 times.

**...~~IAOM~~...**

(Merlin's POV)

It was quick, like falling asleep.

No, I didn't die. Though at some point I remember thinking I wanted to.

I had no recollection of ceasing in my screaming and waking up groggy, a day or so later I was told, in my tent.

I didn't feel different, but at the same time... I did. It was hard to process.

Two of the kind druid ladies were there taking care of me and filling me in on what happened.

Apparently, the ritual was a success. And they only knew that because... well, I wasn't dead. Iseldir and the others helped me back to the camp after being away for six hours.

Six hours, I was in there! I must have been in a state of catatonia.

I can comprehend things now. I'm thinking clearer.

But this morning was a very different story.

**...~~IAOM~~...**

(Normal POV, a day and 17 hours earlier)

In the night, the druids involved in the ritual arrived back in camp. It was a slow journey, for they had to assist Merlin. She was out of it, but her legs moved instinctively. Iseldir and another man supported her from each side, keeping her head up. Merlin's tent was slightly bigger than the others and had been prepared with thick blankets and handmade charms hung from the corners.

Since putting her down the night and following day dragged on restlessly, for the druids and for the young sorceress. Mild fevers and troubling dreams kept everyone on their feet for a while. Several trips to and from the lake throughout. It was a few hours before sunrise when the fevers finally died down and everyone could breath. They were not aware themselves just how hellish the procedure would be.

**...~~IAOM~~...**

(14 hours earlier)

A day later, in the early hours of the morning, the sun was yet to rise. Everything was crisp and fresh, and because of the chill to the air, the ground was blanketed by a thin layer of icy blue mist. The grass and leaves were tipped with dew.

At this cold time, the druid people were out and about. Even when there was barely enough light to see, they were the kind to not waste a single minute. If everyone in Camelot thought like this, maybe more would get done.

Fires were lit, clothes were hung out, and mothers were walking their children down the beaten path to the nearby lake to wash. They kept themselves busy as they awaited the condition of their guest.

Merlin stirred awake. She could feel she was wrapped in many blankets so it was difficult to move. In fact everything felt heavy, she couldn't lift her arms which rested on her stomach, and it took too much out of her just to open her eyes.

Hearing somebody on her left, the young warlock tried to speak, but could barely croak out a word.

A couple of older ladies took turns being by Merlin's bedside. Millicent, a short, mousey brown haired woman, had just settled down next to the patient when she heard her trying to speak.

She shushed Merlin soothingly and stroked her hair, darkened to golden from her previous fever. After guzzling down a cup of water and having some of the blankets removed, Merlin and the healer were able to make small conversation.

"Better?" The woman asked warmly.

"Much... Sorry, but who is that?"

"It's Millie, my Lady."

"Where can't I see?"

"Ah, I'm afraid you won't be able to open your eyes yet. We've had to bandage them closed."

"What, why?"

"We are cautious. Iseldir did not want to risk what we were not prepared for?"

Merlin turned her head to where she thought Millicent was, "What do you mean?"

The lady smiled sorrowfully and began measuring out tonics. "Well, this is the first time our group has performed such a spell. You have been exposed to such raw power, we believed precautions had to be taken."

"So when can I open my eyes?"

"Iseldir will decide-"

"-No, you don't understand," Merlin began to panic. "I can't be left in the dark! My thoughts will find me, they're not good!"

Millie took Merlin's hand gently and shushed her again. "Hey, now. What makes you say that?"

Merlin paused. "... I- I don't know. Sorry, I just- I thought for a moment something had gone wrong after last night..." It was half the truth.

"Oh no, don't worry about that, dear. There's nothing... physically wrong _thatwecansee_. And also, it wasn't last night. You've been asleep for a whole day."

Merlin chose to ignore how she rushed over the first half of that answer, though it unnerved her. And alright, it wasn't like she hadn't missed out whole days before...

"It worked then. Should I feel different?"

"Only time will tell, child. And only you can decide that. Now take these, they will help you regain your strength-"

**...~~IAOM~~...**

It was past sunrise but the sun didn't want to come out. It was going to be a cool dark day. Merlin felt strong enough to leave the tent, but it was advised she should keep the blindfold on and have either Millie or Ayleth help her around. Out she came, with her hair neatly braded, face washed and a thick blanket cloaked over her shoulders. She didn't feel cold. Actually, she felt a little flushed. But the ladies told her it was a necessary 'precaution'. She had heard that word a lot in a space of a couple of hours.

(Merlin's POV)

I couldn't take it any longer. At what might have been noon I had had enough of everyone tip toeing around me. I knew they were being helpful, but it was getting to a point where it became too secretive. They told me what I needed to know and only gave additional information if I asked for it. They described the day to me, it sounded beautiful. I wanted them to just keep talking to me about normal things. Because until I could take that blasted cloth away, I didn't want to remember the things I saw while I was in that cave. In a druid camp it was sort of hard not to be reminded of magic.

Talk wasn't helping anymore. I wanted to take in my surroundings, I was convinced it was the only thing that would stop my mind feeling like it was burning. Regret was starting to kick in. Should I have done this if I was going to feel like this?

At least I didn't feel as ill as before. Before I felt so weak and so small and depressed. Now I feel so strong I could destroy. I wanted more than anything for my magic to be let out, to try it out on something. Once thoughts turned dark again, I took that as the last straw. I could feel the darkness coming. This was Emrys?

I asked Ayleth to walk me down to the shore of the lake. Lowering myself down onto the pebbles, I could feel their coldness through my breeches and long coat. Hearing Ayleth say she was just going to get another blanket, I asked her to bring some food and drink as well.

When the footsteps on stone faded, I took a moment to soak in the peacefulness. The distant birdsong, the gentle lap of the water on the sand, the scraping sound of my shoes moving the pebbles about. The breeze had a frosty bite to it. It was clearly a grey sky, no sunlight warmed the skin.

My hands moved slowly up to the back of my head and undid the blindfold. Unwrapping the bandage round and round, it fell into my lap. I counted to ten. Easing my eyes open, they adjusted to the light of day.

What a sight. It was everything I had pictured. No sun, no colours, no blue sky, but oh what a view. The lake was wide and ambushed by pine trees all the way around. Its surface was so eerily still and mirrored the clouds above. In fact the east clouds looked like they were bringing a storm.

Nothing yet was happening. Maybe Iseldir was just being paranoid. What was so bad that I was not allowed to see?

I held out my hands. Normal. In fact, they had colour... yellow... gold?

The longer I stared, the more my hands began to tremor. My fingertips glowed and sparked out specs of gold. At first I was awed. This was my magic? How wonderful! Now how do I stop it...?

(Normal POV)

Suddenly a rush of energy shot straight through Merlin's body, the wind picked up and flowed loudly through the trees, disturbing the peace. The young sorceress started breathing heavily. In panic she threw her hands down hard against the stones. Force blew the stones closest out away from her left and right and smashed into others.

This reminded Merlin of her younger years. She now had so much more power she could hold and it was like her magical adolescence all over again. Scared of what was happening, and worried that if she couldn't get a handle on it in public, someone would see. What more potential did she have now?

The girl shakily moved the small distance over to the lake's edge. She dared to look at the person staring back, equally as nonplussed. It wasn't her!

Well, it was. It was her face, yes... but this Merlin was paler than ever. But her eyes; they were shining a fiery gold! Had they been like this all this time?!

Another thing caught her attention. Narrowing her eyes, Merlin grabbed the bindings of her braids and roughly pulled them out. Her locks came undone and flowed down over her shoulders, the wind blowing it across half of her face.

She leaned down closer towards her reflection until her nose was nearly touching the surface. Her hair was blonde, yes, but surely this was her new eyes playing tricks, shrouding everything about her in lying colours. No, her hair had definitely grown inches longer and so blonde it was almost as white as the sand.

Merlin sat hunched over, unmoving, staring at herself for an undetermined time. It can't have been long, as she heard footsteps getting closer. She didn't look up even when there was a _thud_ and a _clang_ noise. Ayleth threw all she had in her arms to the ground when she saw the bandage cloth amongst the pebbles.

The sorceress felt hands clutch her arms and she was pulled away from the lake. For the first time, Merlin acknowledged Ayleth, and frowned.

The Auburn haired woman worryingly looked the girl over like she was her child who had a nasty fall, Merlin just let her. The druid woman stopped when she caught that scowling expression.

The younger woman wrenched herself from the other's grip and stumbled to her feet, almost losing balance on the uneven terrain. She put distance between them and they both just stood facing eachother. Without warning, Merlin turned and ran for it into the tree-line.

She kept on, sprinting. There was a heartbeat in her ears. They had all lied to her! She was no longer Merlin. She could no more repress her magic now than she could when she arrived in their camp. She didn't even like how she looked. Emrys looked scary, and cold, and dangerous. What about her illness, was that really gone? Her magic burned behind her eyes again. The gales followed her through the trees. The air got colder. It was a fool's fight. Merlin was running from herself, and she was afraid.

_She was back there, stood on the shore facing Ayleth. She raised her hand up towards the woman. With the great force of her power and anger combined, she clenched her hand into a fist. Ayleth jumped and gasped, like something had grasped her by the throat, choking..._

No, she wouldn't do this! Emrys is angry, Merlin is not like this!

_When she saw the white of the druid's wide eyes and feeling her life starting to slip away by her hand, she waved her arm away from her as if burnt. Ayleth's whole body picked up off the ground and was thrown in the direction of the lake..._

An old memory then flashed before her. In fact a few.

_She stood up from where she was being held by one of Cenred's men. Before the king could react, she used her magic to grip the sword of one of his men and plunge it into the barbarian king's chest._

_She laughed as she pushed the witch finder out of the window herself, in front of everyone. No one attempts to kill her guardian._

_She approached the king as he lay in bed, unmoving and vacantly staring up at the canopy. Morgana's betrayal has hit you hard, I know. Reaching for a pillow, she placed it over the man's face._

_Just as Agravaine was about to plunge his sword into her, she forced him back. His head hit the rocks hard and he was killed instantly. With a cold expression she walked away unremorseful. In fact she felt a smile appear. He may have been Arthur's uncle, but it felt good finally being the one to teach him where his loyalty should have sided with..._

_Arthur would you just listen to me! Fine! You want an evil sorceress, I can be her. She pinned the prince against the wall and sent and fiery ball of death his way-_

A root thankfully ended that vision. Merlin landed on her front, knocking the wind out of her. She began calling out. To no-one in particular. Her mouth moved but her ears were deaf to what was coming out. She just wanted these thoughts to stop.

_I'm not a monster, am I? _She remembered herself half joking. But her guardian replied differently.

_Yes, Merlin. I'm afraid so..._

_Stick to what you do best. NOTHING!_

_I can't trust you. You are a sorcerer. You should be executed!_

If the sorceress could comprehend anything, she would have noticed her hands switching between clawing at the ground and at her head, causing blood to drip down her forehead. Her mouth stretched wide open but she heard no screams escaping. The world around Merlin darkened and blurred out, replaced by deafening shouts of people in her head, some she recognised and some she couldn't place. As she felt herself slip into oblivion, the visions merged together. She couldn't tell which twisted moments she had lived before, and if what she was seeing were windows into the future. Either way, there would be blood shed, destruction, death and sorrow.

Visions of war, and fighting, and men falling.

The high turrets of the Castle crumbling down.

A crown being placed on someone's head, reflecting to rays of sun.

A pair of dazzling ice blue eyes and a mop of dark curls which looked so familiar.

Someone she didn't recognise glaring straight at her like she was a ghost.

The pictures like the rest of the world greyed out and the last thing she understood was hearing a whisper. Herself.

_I can't do this_

_I need some help-_

**...~~IAOM~~...**

**AN: ***Phew!* Hope you liked. This chapter was a right challenge, I can tell ya! I wanted to put as much description as I could, because as I was typing, I was imagining the scene and just wanted to get everything out before I forgot it. Thinking about how Merlin would be like if all these possibilities suddenly became open to her and her powers could do so much more than her personality would allow.

All the future visions and quotes won't be covered in this fic, but leaving it to the imagination it could be anything to do with upcoming battles, decisions going wrong, and new ruler being crowned... you decide ;) Either way it would frighten anyone.

Anyhoo, please don't forget to leave a review, that would be just heaven :) Thank you very much for reading.

I shall see you soon. Byyyyye.


	5. THIS IS ONLY AN ALERT-REQUEST

**THIS IS NOT AN UPDATE:**

**Hello people. **

**Whoa... Whoa! *Facepalms self*... *Facepalms self again***

**What happened? Its been ages since my last chapter! So so so so SO sorry I haven't updated in a while, and even more sorry this isn't one either. I know I said last time I would have updates soon, but that was before certain events screwed that up.**

**I haven't neglected or abandoned this fic, or the others, I **_**will**_** see them through to the end. I have had it quite hectic lately and to be honest writing fanfiction could not have been further from my mind.**

**Firstly, for the story 'Contact-Out of the Shade', I have hit complete writers block with. It started out as a pure one-shot on each of the main characters comparison in being raised from a child that effected their social skills with others. BUT. Obviously it progressed and went on to develop into a full on story that even took myself by surprise. When I first started writing Merlin fanfiction, I intended to begin with writing complete yet open end stories that stood on their own and with a FemMerlin and Arthur friendship. That was it with 'Thursday, Thursday.'**

**'Contact' has lead me into an area that's new to me. Romance. A fic that was just going to have Arthur and Merlin iron out their awkwardness and issues and differences, but then with just a smidgen *makes 'tiny' gesture with fingers* of pre-Slash in there at the end. Readers have asked for it to go deeper with the romance, maybe add a little whump in there, and if I could confide in you lot, I have no idea where to start... SO my request is if you would be so kind as to either review or PM me some directions in which to do this. Read back on the story if you want, I know I will have too :P All doors open, no wrong answers kind of deal. The only thing to tag on the end of this very unnecessarily long first point is that I will not do rated M. Not ready haha.**

**SO anyhoo, Excuse 2: Family situations I shall not bore or burden you all with at this point. Last time I used this as an excuse, it nearly killed me. But not long after leaving the last 'This is not an update' message, tragedy struck again. Conclusion: Depression.**

**Excuse 3: I still have three jobs... so yeah. Soon to be two... but still.**

**Temporary Excuse 3: Not a brownie promise or anything, not a swear on the bro code, but I DO plan to jump start into writing fanfiction again and continue as many stories as I can (without giving me **_**too**_** much to do of course) this time, unlike last, I will NOT give you faithful readers a date because I reeeeeally don't wanna disappoint. work has forced me to use up my holiday time so, don't hold me to it, but we shall see I can fit in some writing then, because, don't get me wrong, when I get into it -I DO love it.**

***Phew* Well thanks for listening to all this, really appreciate it if you did.**

**The only point I have left to make and I feel super needy for saying it. But pwetty pweeeease if I can (not at the mo, obviously, coz nothing new's up yet) request that I could possibly get little reviews for chapters I update. **

**I So very appreciate to no end the fact I have had alerts that people have been favouriting and following me and my fics in the last few months even when nothing new was up yet. However reviews are also a learning method too, so any ideas for future chapters, fics and/or constructive criticisms are very very welcome.**

**...~~TINAU~~...**

**Oh, and before I forget- I have been debating lately due to a couple of comments about fem Merlin's hair colour whether or not to change it. Yes I do know its confusing a little and does not match the show's, but you know what, FEM Merlin doesn't match the original show. OC's don't match the show. So having my fem Merlin have jet black hair like the original show's Merlin and like so many good fem Merlin writers before just didn't appeal to me- partly because its so similar to Morgana's look, and also to a OC I have called Collin in my fic she wouldn't stand out to someone like Arthur. Plus, in fantasy, powerful white witches were known to have next to pure white blonde hair that reached the ground. This appearance would have been both captivating and terrifying for people of the middle ages since usually women had to use pee to gain that look. SO, What I am asking of you now, is that if you wish me to change Merlin's hair to black as per the tradition, or are willing to imagine her as a light blonde mystical being, please cast your votes in a review or PM and I will go from there. Just please note this will result in considerable amount of editing on my part.**

**I understand though at the end of the day it is a small detail in some perspectives.**

**...~~TINAU~~...**

**Well, I suppose that's it, I should stop not or forever be rambling on and taking time away from you reading and/or writing another fabulous author's fic.**

**Thank you very much for sticking around if you have, and I am loving your patience. Please do review or PM the request above, it would really help me.**

**Thanks again :) And I'll see you hopefully soon.**

**CY**

**;)**


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